(March 20-April 18): Felching is not for amateurs. Fantasies are always hotter than reality – that is, unless you’re a filthy pig. There’s always plenty of room at the trough, just be ready to get dirty.

(April 19-May 20): When it rains, it pours – and, girl, you’re drenched. Soak it up now ’cause it’ll be back to slim pickings before you know it. Spend less time worrying about an LTR now. You know you’re not ready.

(May 21-June 20): You get plenty of attention, Gem. The bod, the face – yeah, you’re hot. But is that all there is? Scratch the surface… and there’s just more surface. Face it, kiddo. You’ve got about as much depth as a puddle.

(June 21-July 22): Lush.

(July 23-Aug. 22): You’ve got your sights set on someone new. Um, he’s a little outta your league, Leo. Try the snaggle-tooth fatty who works out at your gym. Now that’s more like it.

(Aug. 23-Sept. 22): The heavens tell me you’re in for some action on and off the dance floor. Keep your nose (and hole) clean. Just some sensible advice from an old, strung-out fortune teller.

(Sept. 23-Oct. 22): God, you’re a bore. Make something up about yourself next time someone asks. So you don’t really snowboard. So you’ve never surfed a day in your life… who cares? No one really values honesty anymore anyway.

(Oct. 23-Nov. 21): No, you’re not congested. It ain’t allergies either. It’s probably all that shit you’re putting up your nose. It doesn’t take an astrologer to tell you you’re a mess, Scorpio.

(Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Constantly battling a cold? You’re worse than a toddler the way you put random objects in your mouth. Boost your immunity by eating fresh fruits and vegetables (and sucking less anonymous cock).

(Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Sex with your partner (or fuck buddy) is becoming routine. Break out a few new moves and mix things up. Money issues may be affecting this aspect of your relationship. Talk it out and then tear it up.

(Jan. 20-Feb. 18): A recent fling may flower into something semi-permanent. Sure, you see the red flags, but don’t write him off so easily. You’ve got a few of those red flags yourself.

(Feb. 19-March 19): Hot flashes? No, love, that’s the weather, not your barren uterus talking. Get a dog and shut up about it already. Kids aren’t in your cards.