(March 20-April 18): Rumors about you are flying all over town. True or not, be glad people even bother. As the old saying goes: There’s no such thing as bad publicity.

(April 19-May 20): Be careful of which arm you place those wrist bands on. Remember: left for top, right for bottom. Last thing you want to be confused for is a top. Am I right, Taurus?

(May 21-June 20): Hey, fatty, waddle that ass on over to a treadmill and get going on that New Year’s resolution. Wear loose-fitting workout clothes, will ya? The rest of us gym bodies shouldn’t be forced to see that shit.

(June 21-July 22): A future love interest is closer than you think. Look around, he’s right in front of your face. Take your time, though. This one spooks easily.

(July 23-Aug. 22): ’Tis the season to be jolly. And by jolly I mean shit-faced drunk. Avoid confrontation with family members this year. Repressed anger and 80-proof is a deadly combination.

(Aug. 23-Sept. 22): This holiday season, you’ll be visited by the tricks of Christmas past, present and future. See if there isn’t some lesson to be learned. For many of you Virgos, that includes pussy!

(Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Call friends you have long since written off and reconnect this holiday season. Get into the spirit. Drunk dials on New Year’s Eve don’t count.

(Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Carefully inspect all carry-ons and luggage before checking baggage. One forgotten “bullet” or baggy filled with a mysterious powder and you’ll be spending Christmas in the hoosegow.

(Nov. 22-Dec. 21): All alone this Christmas? Instead of wallowing in self-pity, organize your own Christmas dinner and invite any of the hundreds of homos without families to go home to.

(Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Let’s work on a few New Year’s resolutions, shall we? Being less of a whore is probably a good place to start. Sure, it’s the same resolution you had last year, but, ahem, you’re still a whore.

(Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Consult a handyman before installing hooks into the ceiling. A loose mount could send some poor sub swinging to his death. Maybe ask someone at Home Depot to help. Hell, the place is gay enough.

(Feb. 19-March 19): In most social settings you flop like a fish out of water. But put you in a bar and watch you swim with ease. That’s ’cause you’re a drunk.