It’s almost Christmas and time to finalize those New Year’s Eve plans. By now we’re over the way-too-crowded shopping malls, the tacky decorations on tacky houses, the out-of-key carolers, the re-gift that you don’t want, the ex-lover who has “ no place to go for Christmas” and being nice to people you can’t stand – who may also be the ex-lover.

In the true spirit of Christmas, I’ve decided to take some of the Christmas gift wish list items that were sent and structure them into an “In the pit” version of “The Twelve Days of Christmas.” I didn’t know the song lyrics except the “partridge in a pear tree” and “five golden rings,” so I decided to look them up via the information superhighway. It seems one researcher with way too much time on his hands posted:

“‘The Twelve Days of Christmas’ was used by early Catholics as a catechism song to teach children about their faith since Catholicism was banned in England and punishable by death.”

Since the topic was so interesting, I did further research. Another site said the “catechism” story was a crock and “the song was a children’s tune from the 1700s.”

Obviously, the happy-go-lucky people of merry ol’ pre-Diana England thought highly of geese and maidens. I would’ve exchanged everything on their list except for the “five golden rings.”

Sing along if you know the tune. It doesn’t really rhyme ’cause I’m not 50 Cent, a.k.a Fitty; Sean Puffy Combs, a.k.a Diddy; or LL Cool J, a.k.a “My lover wants him badly.” I’m also not doing the repeats (rarely do except when they’re extremely hot). Here goes…

On the first day of Christmas my true love sent to me… a one-way ticket to Amsterdam. (Seriously, he only wanted one ticket.)

On the second day of Christmas my true love sent to me… two pet gerbils. (They make great pets, so stop it now!)

On the third day of Christmas my true love sent to me… three Lexus LSs parked in the driveway with big bows on them. (Like the commercial, we have to stand outside in the cold morning to see his surprised facial expression – then hate him.)

On the fourth day of Christmas my true love sent to me… four pairs of bear slippers. (Bears can never get enough “bear” stuff.)

On the fifth day of Christmas my true love sent to me… five big ding-a-lings (not the original word used).

On the sixth day of Christmas my true love sent to me… six three-ways with McDreamy and McSteamy (could be a marathon).

On the seventh day of Christmas my true love sent to me… seven new DJs (originally named a location, but I won’t).

On the eighth day of Christmas my true love sent to me… eight Britney Spears skirts. (Hopefully they don’t have to be that short to show your stuff.)

On the ninth day of Christmas my true love sent to me… nine guys in the Apple Mac commercial (the Mac guy, not the PC guy).

On the 10th day of Christmas my true love sent to me… 10 personal trainers (original word was escort).

On the 11th day of Christmas my true love sent to me… 11 inches (around, I assume, or what’s the point?).

On the 12th day of Christmas my true love sent to me… 12 brand new slings (needed for the 11 inches).

The song re-write seemed like a fun idea at the time, but it was more painful to get through than the original. Of course, this is the part where I want to say something like, “If the Catholics were responsible for that song, no wonder their religion was banned.” But I know that would offend some people, and since this is the holiday time, I won’t say it.

There’s a lot of holiday stuff going on at various bars, houses and play spaces. Rich’s will be having the first L.L. Bear party not on a scheduled L.L. Bear night. It’s sort of a New Year’s Eve-Eve party on Dec. 30 with DJ Peter Barona. For those who asked to hear different DJs… be there. Maybe Saturday of New Year’s weekend will become an L.L. Bear tradition! I think we can still all kiss each other at midnight, and if they do the fog thing we can really kiss at midnight even if it’s not New Year’s Eve.

We want to all be together in 2007 doing the things we love to do: dancing, having sex and talking about each other behind our backs. The New Year is a new beginning. Forgive your old friends and make new ones with benefits. Whatever you do to start the New Year, be safe! See you in 2007.