(March 20-April 19): No one has tapped that ass in a while. Clean out the cobwebs and treat yourself to a night out on the town. If you’re feeling a little rusty, don’t worry. It’s just like riding a bike.

(April 20-May 20): Those two-faced friends of yours are talking shit. Watch ’em smile to your face then stab you in back as you turn to leave the room. Get rid of bad apples. You know quality when you see it.

(May 21-June 20): Detoxify, young Gemini. Take yourself to the local health-food store and purchase a few herbal remedies. Get a colonic if need be. It’s time to cleanse yourself of last year’s mayhem.

(June 21-July 22): Get involved. Look into community activism or, a little more your speed, judge a local wet underwear contest. The latter may seem trite, but then again so are you.

(July 23-Aug. 22): You smell like a French whore. Just a spritz or two of cologne should do. Natural pheromones are more likely to attract a man than an entire bottle of Cool Water.

(Aug. 23-Sept. 22): It ain’t spring yet, but it’s time to clean house. Get rid of clutter, ditch crap you don’t need and give the entire house or apartment a good scrub down. You may be a mess, but at least your living environment won’t be.

(Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Hours pumping away at the gym may get you laid, but it’s doing little for overall health. Try a more holistic approach and take up yoga or tai chi.

(Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Escape to some exotic local this winter season. Book a cheap flight and get the fuck out. Leave all your baggage behind and treat yourself to a real vacation.

(Nov. 22-Dec. 20): Time to lift the hood and get your fluids checked … at the local clinic. Nothing to be alarmed about, but regular maintenance will keep your engine purring like a kitty.

(Dec. 21-Jan. 19): Head cold? No, you’ve just been packing your nose with snowflakes, young man. Seek help now or hang on tight for one helluva downward spiral.

(Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Cosmetic improvements aren’t such a bad idea. Whiten teeth or sit for microdermabrasion. Freshen up a tired look with a few simple procedures.

(Feb. 19-March 19): Hold your tongue, Pisces. All that sass is best left at the gay bar. One wrong quip or catty remark will have you written up or even fired.