(March 20-April 19): Feeling less than satisfied in your current career? Post your resume online and go after that dream job. It’s a long shot, but what do you have to lose?

(April 20-May 20): Get sexually creative with your partner. There is no need to play dress-up, but a few accoutrements couldn’t hurt. Probe friends for a few new moves to add to your repertoire.

(May 21-June 20): You’re going to die alone.

(June 21-July 22): Cruise the Web at work, but don’t get caught. One wrong click of the mouse and the profile for “Pocahotass” will be on full display. Have several applications up on your screen and be ready to bury any salacious material.

(July 23-Aug. 22): A few newcomers to your social circle are challenging the established hierarchy. Make it clear that you’re the matriarch and they are the underlings. Many species eat their young to weed out potential competition… I’m just saying.

(Aug. 23-Sept. 22): “Golden showers bring May flowers.” Er, I think that’s how the saying goes. Well, regardless, it’s going to get very wet, little Virgo. Whether you decide to play in the rain is up to you.

(Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Cruise the gym hard this month. Chances to score are up 45 percent. Throw in a set of dead lifts and the likelihood of a dinner invitation increases to 89 percent.

(Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Treat yourself to a sensual message. Yes, a “sensual” massage. That means you’re gonna cum at the end, in case you’re not getting my subtleties. I mean, what’s a massage without a happy ending if not just plain unhappy?

(Nov. 22-Dec. 20): The breakup is inevitable. Call it quits before things get ugly. You heard me: Pack up your shit, call the girls and rejoin the singles crowd.

(Dec. 21-Jan. 19): Your stock took a huge hit. Quit trying so hard to get back on top – we can smell the desperation. Hang back and play it cool. Friends will come to realize your net worth.

(Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Need an outlet? Take up a team sport with your fellow gays. All that pent up energy will be spent in no time, ahem.

(Feb. 19-March 19): Constantly battling a cold? You’re worse than a toddler the way you put random objects in your mouth. Boost immunity by eating fresh fruits and veggies (and sucking less anonymous cock).