(March 20-April 19): Trying too hard to look good is counterproductive. Ditch the dye job and über-dark tan (hello, it’s only March!). There’s a reason why we find straight guys attractive: It’s because they don’t look so over-processed!

(April 20-May 20): Even if your partner’s interests seem far away, your domestic efforts are more appreciated than you know. Surprise your baby with seduction in a room where your home improvements will come conspicuously in handy.

(May 21-June 20): Cut carbs out of your diet. With beach season less than a few months away, it’s time to start starving yourself. As the saying goes, “the early bird gets the worm.” Hopefully you’ll get one at least eight-and-a-half inches.

(June 21-July 22): Money is especially tight right now. There’s no better time to start dating someone new (with money, of course). A 300-series BMW? Girl, please… I said someone with money.

(July 23-Aug. 22): Nobody likes a bossy bottom. Assert yourself outside of the bedroom, but when being dominated – shut the fuck up and do what you’re told.

(Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Post-drinking guilt has got you wondering who you trashed and exactly how many people heard. If you can’t hold your liquor, I suggest drinking at home alone.

(Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Aren’t you the social butterfly. You just flit all over the fucking place. Do you actually care about the people you’re chatting with, or do you just enjoy looking popular? Yeah, I thought so.

(Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Problems getting it up, Scorpio? That doesn’t sound like you. Sit with a therapist (or spiritual advisor, like moi) and sort out those insecurities, or prepare to have your manhood questioned.

(Nov. 22-Dec. 20): Underneath those heavy bass beats, I can hear a little boy screaming for attention. Would someone please turn up the music?

(Dec. 21-Jan. 19): You smell that? That’s what happens when you don’t hose it out. A professional never leaves evidence at the scene of a crime.

(Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Who helped you pull that look together? Absolutely smashing, darling! Gay it forward and help a few less fabulous fags. There’s plenty out there, trust me.

(Feb. 19-March 19): Treat yourself to a massage, facial, pedicure, Percocet – hell, you deserve it. Better yet, get an expensive bottle of bubbly and toast to absolutely nothing.