At one time or another, every young gay male thinks he is part of the “fashion world.” Some claim this enlightenment into the world of fine clothing because maybe they have a friend that has a friend who has a friend that once had a friend who once met a designer like Isaac Mizrahi. Or maybe they took a fashion class at Mesa Community College. Or, even more likely, maybe they work folding shirts at a clothing store in Fashion Valley – certainly the world center of high fashion. We all know one of those guys – the type that can name the brand or designer of every piece of clothing you’re wearing with just a five-second glance at you.

Certainly, I can’t say that I have any room to talk, as I too must admit that I once enrolled in one of those fashion classes at Mesa Community College. During the course of that semester, I certainly thought I was one hot fashionista. More so, I was working in a store at Fashion Valley, which made my eye for fashion even greater – or so I thought. In my mind, I was the world’s next top designer (even though I couldn’t even sketch a stick figure). Luckily, I met some hot guy in the class; we hit it off and stopped going to class altogether. Fashion school dropout!

The reason I bring all this up is because there are two types of people that are causing great problems in our favorite bars and nightspots! First is the blind bunch, which consists of people who are really just happily clueless about what they are wearing. Then there is the type of guy that I just described, who, sadly, is just as clueless but believes he is the hottest thing in the place. Each and every week, examples of these people are posted in this very publication on the “Fashion Bashin’” page. After reading this column, be sure to flip back a few more pages to see even more “Tragic” examples!

A few weeks back, I went to the Toga Party at Rich’s hosted by the SpinCycleRinse Productions team. Many people were decked out according to theme (which is always nice when people “play along”) and, as always, there was a sexy stage show. In the midst of all the hot boys and girls in togas, I saw a cowboy across the dance floor. Now I realize that the rockstar/cowboy look is somewhat chic right now, but this was just not cute. Cowboy boots, tight dark blue Wrangler jeans, and I’m not kidding – a T-shirt that had Tweety Bird straddling a bull. This was a faded, oversized T-shirt from the 1990s. He topped it off with a bowl haircut.

On another recent Friday night, I’m enjoying a cocktail and dancing at the beautiful Brass Rail Nightclub & Lounge. In walks a man amidst the many well-dressed partiers. Overall, this gentleman looked fine, as he had on a nice shirt with slacks. Not much to complain about. But then I looked down. In my book, he committed the ultimate fashion sin – socks with sandals! There is no reason to ever wear socks under your sandals. Never! Enough said.

Club Montage is the place to be on Saturday nights. It’s always a party in this three-story mega-club, and overall the crowd is usually friendly, energetic and filled with hot eye candy. Since this club is home to one of the few after-hour events in town, it seems like all the “hot messes” show up around 2 a.m. Being hit on by a stumbling, drunken guy with his belt undone and mascara running after a long night of dancing and sweating is not cute! If you don’t score before you head over to after-hours, here’s a tip: Clean-up a bit in the car before entering Montage if you plan to score there!

And then there’s Flicks – the ultimate Wednesday night destination (well, until you head over to Bacchus House to dance). Cheap drinks, fun people and “Southpark”! However, because of the way this bar is situated, it’s definitely a stand-and-pose type of place. Many of these boys need to re-think their style before striking that pose. Sure, they mean well, but some guys are just too overdone. Hair quaffed, make-up caked on, shirt collar propped up and butt crammed into too-tight jeans. It’s a mess all around! Three words: Tone it down!

Remember: The 1990s are gone. Sure, the cowboy look can be hot, but do it right. No Tweety Ts. And as the weather gets warmer and you decide to pull out your sandals, leave the socks in the drawer! You don’t need them! Re-apply your mascara and zip up your pants before going to after-hours. And, of course, moderation is key! Collar flipped up? Then tone down the hair. Hopefully these tips will keep you off of Rocket’s “Fashion Bashin’” page.

Send your event information to me via editor@uptownpub.com.