(March 20-April 19): Find a quiet place to reflect on this year’s events. Instead of celebrating your birthday at the bottom of a bottle, make it a healthy one. Oh, who are we kidding, you’ll be trashed by noon.

(April 20-May 20): Trips to the tanning bed are adding years to your already aging face. Lather on the lotion or bake in the sun’s natural rays. Better yet, retreat to the shade and save your face a few thousand miles.

(May 21-June 20): That Speedo you bought does not require a cock ring. Um, we can see veins, for the love of Christ. If you’re looking to get attention, add a few sets of squats to your weekly gym routine and blow out that booty.

(June 21-July 22): It’s officially mating season, young buck. Shed a few layers and mark a few trees. Those local watering holes will be your best bet for a quick mount.

(July 23-Aug. 22): White Party is just around the corner. Time for a complete overhaul: trim, pluck, bleach, dye, shop and pump. Voila! Now you look like every other fag at the party.

(Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Head out of town for some R&R. Steer clear of major urban centers with gay boys or nightclubs. A drug- and alcohol-free weekend is just what you need. Herbs on the other hand are totally acceptable.

(Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Late-night walks with the pooch could lead to a very interesting rendezvous. Bring condoms, lube – and you may need a muzzle.

(Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Turning a few tricks for extra spending money is one thing, but are you actually considering porn? Ask yourself, “What would Jesus do?” I don’t think he’d approve of anal direct to DVD, do you?

(Nov. 22-Dec. 20): Sure, a big cock is nice, but can it carry on an interesting conversation or cuddle with you at night? Picking a partner based on what’s below the belt will only give you one major pain in the ass.

(Dec. 21-Jan. 19): A pinch of charm and a dash of flirtation will go a long way professionally. It’s important to remember, however, that you’re trying to get ahead, not give it.

(Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Hot flashes? No, love, that’s the weather, not your barren uterus. Get a dog and shut up already. Kids aren’t in your cards.

(Feb. 19-March 19): Detox over the next few weeks. Even a professional like you needs some downtime. Build it back up so you can tear it down again. Yes, it’s a vicious cycle, but you’re too old to change now.