(March 20-April 19): Those form-fitting Ts and snug denims accentuate both your oh-so-buff bod – and desperate need for attention. Give those seams a vacation and go up a size. You ain’t a size small, sweetie.

(April 20-May 20): Another birthday – and still single! Use what little looks you have left and go man hunting. Of course, you could always wait around for “something better.” Honey, better came and went years ago.

(May 21-June 20): Keep your eyes peeled for a potential lucrative business venture. He’ll be in his late 40s, but still age-appropriate for casual social gatherings and dinner parties.

(June 21-July 22): Tip: Plan a romantic evening with your current love interest on April 17. Trust me, nothing brings out the freak like a full moon.

(July 23-Aug. 22): To answer your question: Yes, your ass looks fat in those jeans. We’re nearing beach season, boys. Climb aboard the treadmill and don’t come down until mid-June (maybe late July for some of you).

(Aug. 23-Sept. 22): It’s time to semi-retire from the party scene. Yes, you had a good run, but it’s time. The local gay and lesbian center has plenty of activities for active seniors in their 30s and 40s.

(Sept. 23-Oct. 22): You’ve become “that guy” at the gym – you know, the creepy perv in the steam and sauna. Resist temptation by showering at home after a good workout.

(Oct. 23-Nov. 21): No on has knocked on your back door lately. Is anybody home? Throw open those, uh, doors and start entertaining. You may want to clean house first.

(Nov. 22-Dec. 20): Simmering beneath that calm exterior is a bad boy dying to get out. Go on vacation out of town somewhere and tear it up. No one will be the wiser when you return.

(Dec. 21-Jan. 19): Work has picked up. As always, you’re a trooper. Decompress by sharing a bottle of wine with choice co-workers and kick around some company gossip.

(Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Girl, you’re a black woman trapped in a gay man’s body. Connect with your inner queen and find yourself a few sisters to roll with. They may know of a few fine brothers you can roll with too.

(Feb. 19-March 19): Your ego has elevated to embarrassing new heights. As the shit rolls out of your mouth, friends make eye contact behind your back. Unless you come down from the rafters, you’ll find it’s lonely at the top.