This week’s entry into the Duffy Cooper review hall of fame, Manhunt 2.0 from Hot House, is an interesting selection. You see, it’s all very meta – you know, the play within the play kind of thing – because for shits and giggles I logged on to manhunt.net to see what kind of messages I’d get while I watched these porn stars hook up on manhunt.net. Oh yeah, and I’m drinking a glass of cabernet because I believe you can be a classy bitch and cruise the ’net at the same time.

So All_Man (a.k.a. hairy muscle daddy Colin O’Neal) gets a message from World Class Ass (beefy smooth and totally f*ckable Antton Harri, who does indeed have a world-class ass) that reads: “Your profile is hot. Nice cock! Come over now and let me ride it. I’m jumping in the shower now….” Cheers! I will drink to good hygiene! Meanwhile, I just got a message from HungUC that just says “Hi” and does not include a pic. I hit delete.

Anyway, All_Man gets to World Class Ass’ house but doesn’t know the security code for the gate. Fortunately, another resident of the complex who is familiar with WCA is happy to let AM in the house… and WCA answers the door wearing white briefs and little booty socks! Cheers again, boys, I will drink to that ass any day and twice on Sunday, seriously. It’s just that good. So, yeah, no shocker here, WCA gets f*cked. You can tell he’s done this before, but it’s still damn hot.

DammeFine (hunky Robert Van Damme, who is definitely going to be a victim of identity theft with that name) gets a message from GreedyHole (Alex Fuerte, who, with a name like that, is obviously a bitch, and I don’t like him already) that says he’s offering Robert a “free massage” – and that means he wants to “massage” Damme’s cock with his ass muscles, which is not doing anything to build suspense in this movie.

Meanwhile, I get a message from DREAMER26LAT that just reads “Hey.” I click on his profile and it says he’s a total top who likes to get f*cked up. And that’s a turn-on. I love a guy who’s f*cked up and is shaking like a chihuahua. Delete.

So Greedy makes Damme all stiff during his massage, which isn’t exactly what I look for in a back rub. That’s why I drink wine to relax. Anyway, Greedy gets f*cked on the massage table, and I expected him to cum first and say, “That’s all” and send Damme on his way, because that’s what a greedy hole would really do.

This next one is priceless. CanUTopThis (Matt Cole – and, yes, I can top that) has sent a message to Str8Marine (Tony Mecelli, and, really, if he’s on this site he can’t be that straight) asking him to come over and f*ck his boyfriend, BOYButt4U (Damon Phoenix, who does have a whole lot of junk in his trunk).

Meanwhile, I get a message from JWarner, who’s just got a cock shot and a message that reads “Hi.” What’s up with the bitches who can’t write me a sentence? Good grammar costs nothing, people.

Damon is such a bottom, and I mean such a bottom, that you should set up warning cones around him because people are falling in left and right. But he gets f*cked good.

Anyhow, GreedyHole is at it again and is sending out invites for a sex party for anyone who wants his hole, apparently. Between giving away the massages and this shit, he’s not a good businessman. Showing up for his sex party is DontAskDontTell (Brad Rock – and judging by the way he sucks cock, I don’t really need to ask) and BackDoorBoy (Trey Casteel, whose profile I want to find on manhunt.net now). CanUTopThis and BOYButt4U show up just in time, and – not shocking – BOYButt gets plowed and ends up in a sling covered with jizz.

While BOY is getting his ass plowed, I get a message from Hunterweho that reads “hey man — into tag teaming a bottom tonite in weho? he can host.” Between you and me, he scares me. Delete.

Next up, FlipFlopFuck (Marco Paris) and TuffENuff (Nick Mariano) get a text message on their cell phones from HotLatinFucker (Rafael Alencar, who has the most impressive cock I’ve seen since I started watching this movie) and they go hook up with him. Fags going wireless. What will they think of next?

Anyway, FlipFlop plays Lucky Pierre in a f*ck train for awhile, and then he lets HotLatin pound the hell out of him with his big old cock. It’s impressive, to say the least. I just don’t know how he’s going to walk tomorrow.

Well, thank god the movie got me off, because the Web site certainly didn’t. Oh, and for the record, these hook-ups are all based on true stories. So I guess that makes this movie a gay porn docu-drama. Fascinating. Good thing they didn’t base it on my experience on manhunt.net for the last two hours.

As for the movie, the plot was, eh, OK – if only hook-ups were that smooth and easy (or hot, for that matter). The sex, though? Amazing. The models? Amazing! And for that, Manhunt 2.0 gets three rockets.

rating:

HIT THE STRATOSPHERE

Hot House Video

Directed by Steven Scarborough

Starring: Collin O’Neal, Tony Mecelli, Robert Van Damme, Alex Fuerte, Marco Paris, Matt Cole, Brad Rock, Damon Phoenix, Antton Harri, Nick Marino, Trey Casteel and Rafael Alencar.