(March 20-April 18): That ain’t a wild hair up your ass – that’s just a lot of ass hair. Unless you plan on getting it braided, think about trimming it back some. Waxing is an alternative to shaving or clipping, but be prepared for pain.

(April 19-May 20): This little piggy went to the market (and by market I mean the local leather store). September hints of exploration. If you’re an old pro, get some new gear and get to work.

(May 21-June 20): Profile upon profile, yet still no love connection. Oh, there’s been plenty of cock, alright, but is that satisfying? (OK, so it’s a little satisfying.) Maybe it’s time to give the old-fashioned gay bar another go.

(June 21-July 22): Role play has never been your forte. Cast aside those inhibitions and allow yourself to get into character. Who knows, there may be a coach, fireman or naughty schoolboy lurking beneath the surface. Ask yourself, “What is my motivation?”

(July 23-Aug. 22): A drought is on the horizon. Ward off this dry spell with frequent trips to the desert. Sounds counterintuitive, I know, but if youth is all you got going, it’ll go far in Palm Springs.

(Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Good things come to those who wait. And in your case it’s one phat orgasm. Take out your new tan and stir up some trouble over the next few weeks. God help us when you finally get off!

(Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Fuck me if I’m wrong, but you’ve gone down two dress sizes, haven’t you? Consistency at the gym will spill over into both work and relationships. The stars are beginning to align, little Libra.

(Oct. 23-Nov. 21): What’s with that shit-eating grin of yours? Ah, yes, you’re up to your ears in new ass. This stud may be a keeper. If he can keep up with your insatiable sex drive, that is.

(Nov. 22-Dec. 21): “Cold sore” is just a nicer name for herpes. Stay out of sight and for heavens sake stay outta the bars. This could ruin you. Oh, and don’t suck any dick either. I mean it, Sag!

(Dec. 22-Jan. 19): If you build it, they will cum. I’m talking about your body, of course. Summer may be coming to a close, but ripped abs never go out of season. If you’re really looking to break a sweat, ask a few guys to lend you a spot.

(Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Suffocating with all of your responsibilities? Try to relax (and that doesn’t mean pop a Valium). Take up yoga or start jogging; whatever you need to find inner peace and relaxation.

(Feb. 19-March 19): Cock worship is not a recognized form of religion – yet! Can I get an AMEN! Until then, visit a few local spiritual organizations and find one that fits with your lifestyle. You’ll need more than a few Hail Marys…