(March 20-April 18): You didn’t just fall of the wagon, honey. You hit the ground hard and were dragged a few hundred feet. But now is not the time to get down on yourself. Get up, dust yourself off and give it another go.

(April 19-May 20): You’ve always been susceptible to seasonal depression. Now that it’s darker earlier, watch out for warning signs. Get a few more lamps at home to brighten up the apartment and step outside during lunch breaks to soak up the sun.

(May 21-June 20): If you want to stand on your own two feet again, you’ll need to start on your back. Let him take care of a few of those bills. Once you’re all caught up then we’ll talk love.

(June 21-July 22): Be extra cautious this month, Cancer. Avoid sex outdoors. That means bathrooms, too! Oh, and especially the park. I’d just stay in until after the holidays if I were you.

(July 23-Aug. 22): Your Halloween costume this year was pretty unoriginal… yeah, “total mess” was what you came as last year, and the year before that. If scary is what you were going for – mission accomplished!

(Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Finally, you’ve got the place to yourself. And you know what that means. Yep, it’s time to masturbate all over the apartment! Whether you stroke it, smack it or just grind it into the living room furniture – rock on, my friend.

(Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Either find a second job to support that habit or get yourself some help. Of course I am talking about your expensive taste in fashion. Time to turn in the Nieman’s card and start browsing the racks at Ross.

(Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Resist temptations to experiment this month. Whether it’s exotic foods, drugs or even sex, there’s a strong likelihood danger could be lurking nearby. Mind your Ps and Qs at least until the new year.

(Nov. 22-Dec. 21): The old adage “always wipe front to back” isn’t just for the ladies. In fact, your overall hygiene could be improved. Explain those skid marks in your boxer briefs if you don’t believe me.

(Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Up a few waist sizes? Drink light beer or diet soda with cocktails. Booze can be very unforgiving. If risk of potential alcoholism won’t make you cut back… what about obesity? Yeah, way worse than alcoholism, I know.

(Jan. 20-Feb. 18): If boyz aren’t worth the headache, try dating someone older. A daddy is a wonderful thing. Avoid the sugar variety, however. You should be able to support yourself by now.

(Feb. 19-March 19): Play the field a bit and date a few guys at a time. It’s more about getting to know yourself than anyone else. Only after you’ve discovered what you’re looking for will you find it.