(March 20-April 19): Always ask potential sex partners if they’d prefer you showered or stanky. Believe it or not, ball sweat, for some, is an aphrodisiac.

(April 20-May 20): Butch it up by joining a gay sports team – finally a legitimate reason to wear a jockstrap.

(May 21-June 20): After much anticipation, you’ve discovered he’s not single. Take comfort in knowing gay relationships never last. Give it six months and you’ll get your turn.

(June 21-July 22): You reek of desperation, my dear. Patron a few D-list bars and bask in the added attention. Return feeling confident, if not cocky. Trust me, no one gets more dick than an asshole.

(July 23-Aug. 22): Adding “jock” to your online profile might garner a few more hits, but there’s something to be said about false advertising, my delicate flower. Watching college cheerleading on ESPN doesn’t exactly qualify.

(Aug. 23-Sept. 22): You’re looking beat down. It’s time to exit the dance floor, flag a taxi and take your tired ass home. Detoxify and return with a whole new lease on life.

(Sept. 23-Oct. 22): A small penis is nothing to be ashamed of, Libra. You’d better have a damn good personality, though.

(Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Scorpio is the whore of the zodiac. Lucky you! Sex is best next month with either a Leo or an Aquarius. I’d avoid other Scorpios, however.

(Nov. 22-Dec. 20): Designer this, top shelf that. You don’t have that kind of cash. Either pair it down or pimp it out.

(Dec. 21-Jan. 19): Last month a cold, this week the flu – stop whoring around and stay germ free! Load up on Echinacea and cancel your wireless Internet connection.

(Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Quit checking your horoscope and look into psychotherapy. There ain’t nothing the stars can do for your crazy ass.

(Feb. 19-March 19): Just put on the damn dress already. You know you’re dying to. Seek the help of a professional. Nothing’s worse than bad drag.