(March 20-April 18): Mess doesn’t even begin to describe you, Aries. What happened? Pull it together, girl. Lay off the liquor (and whatever else you’ve been doing), rest, relax and rejuvenate. Follow it up with a high-protein, low-carb diet and you’ll look fab in no time.

(April 19-May 20): Some bitch at work has got you pegged. Come out to your co-workers before she blabs the news. If you’re out at work already, tone it down some, eh? Uh, yeah, we get it, you’re gay.

(May 21-June 20): A generous older gent has made you a pretty good offer. What’s it gonna be? Are you willing to whore yourself out for a few nice dinners and the royal treatment? Unless he’s unloading a new Benz, it’s time for the sugar daddy to go.

(June 21-July 22): Revamp your online profile and snap a few recent photos. Who you trying to fool with those seven-year-old pics? Be honest about your age, interests and sexual desires and you’ll meet Mr. Right – or at least Mr. Right Now.

(July 23-Aug. 22): Oral is your expertise. If God gave you a gag reflex, you lost it years ago. There is more to sex than sucking, however. Get off your knees for once and explore the possibilities.

(Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Love has dealt you a few shitty hands lately. Don’t worry, my little squash, something good is destined to come your way. Enjoy being single now ’cause before you know it the U-Haul will be parked outside.

(Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Such a quiet little thing, who’d guess you’re such a freak in the bedroom. Channel that aggressive, sexual energy into daily life. Imagine how much you could get done. Just don’t spit on anyone, please.

(Oct. 23-Nov. 21): You never fail to bend over backward for a friend in need. And when I say bend over, you know what I mean. Sex between friends is always a sticky situation. Communicate boundaries early on or watch good friendships go down the tubes.

(Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Go down to the clinic for a full-service inspection. Something in the air smells venereal, and that’s never a good sign. Grab a stack of rubbers on the way out and breathe a sigh of relief when it’s all over.

(Dec. 22-Jan. 19): If you keep picking at it, it’ll never heal. I am talking about your ass. Give it a few days to shrink back to its original size. Hallway, hotdog: Yeah, you know the expression.

(Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Your friends are trash. If one isn’t hopped up on pills, the other is passed out face first in his own sick. This month, look to expand your circle to include more benevolent brethren.

(Feb. 19-March 19): Sundays are for worship, young guru. Hit a T-dance, champagne brunch, beer bust or pool-side margaritathon. Only through inebriation will you find self-realization.