(March 20-April 18): That Wookiee of an asshole needs a trim, if not a full cut and color. Look into waxing. Just be sure to hack it back some before taking it to the salon.

(April 19-May 20): Remove the revolving door and look to settle down. You ain’t getting any younger. Two potentials will face off over the summer months – one with body, the other with brains. Go for the bod; a know-it-all can get annoying.

(May 21-June 20): An ex has been inching his way back into your life. Wash that man right outta your hair. Unless you’re masochistic (wait, you’re a Gemini, so of course you are), run from that one!

(June 21-July 22): Get creative to save money. Tighten up those purse strings. (Set your purse down. It wasn’t meant to be taken literally.) Toughen it out and expect an influx of cash by the end of summer.

(July 23-Aug. 22): All that ass play has given you the hemorrhoid from hell. Take a hot bath and apply some Preparation H. You may want to put a few dabs under those eyes, too!

(Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Is that a chancre? Girl, I’d take yourself down to the free clinic right quick. Get the full-service check-up. Grab a stack of rubbers on the way out and breathe easy when it’s all over.

(Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Gay boys make great friends, but you must balance it out with a few close girlfriends. Go hag hunting next week or steal someone else’s. Either way, you have work to do.

(Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Detox over the next few weeks. Even a professional like you needs some down time. Build it back up so you can tear it down again. Yes, it’s a vicious cycle, but you’re too old to change now.

(Nov. 22-Dec. 21): That gut has got to go. We’re not fu*king around here. Either drop 15 pounds now or spend the entire summer swimming with a T-shirt on like that fat girl in middle school. Remember her?

(Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Why so slutty, Cap? You never used to be that way. Something in your life is missing, and sex is no substitute. Take a close look at yourself and figure out what went wrong.

(Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Worshiping cock doesn’t count as a form of spirituality. Your desire to understand the universe and connect with a higher power should not be ignored. If church turns you off, look into yoga and meditation.

(Feb. 19-March 19): Dating in a higher tax bracket? While it’s nice to be taken care of, remember that imbalance often breeds resentment. Do your fair share to show that he’s more than just a free ride.