(March 20-April 18): A cocktail here, a few more there – all that fabulousness is putting you further into debt. Hit happy hours and bars with drink specials and save that hard-earned green. You shouldn’t be embarrassed; you’re used to feeling cheap.

(April 19-May 20): Sex with your partner (or fuck buddy) is becoming routine. Break out a few new moves and mix things up. Money issues may be affecting this aspect of the relationship. Talk it out and then tear it up.

(May 21-June 20): Lately, all you can think (or talk) about is sex. Will you be a sixth-grade pervert forever? Pull your head out of the gutter or get that mouth washed out with soap.

(June 21-July 22): Another year full of laughs only added to the lines on your face. If I were you I’d stay as expressionless as possible. Treat yourself to something useful this year and make it a Botox birthday.

(July 23-Aug. 22): Cruise the gym hard this month. Chances to score are up 45 percent. Throw in a set of dead lifts, otherwise known as the bend and snap, and the likelihood of a dinner invitation increases to 89 percent.

(Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Constantly battling a cold? You’re worse than a toddler the way you put random objects in your mouth. Boost your immunity by eating fresh fruits and vegetables (and sucking less anonymous cock).

(Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Those short skirts and plunging necklines are getting unwanted attention. Slutty sheik is great for the gay bar circuit, but don’t think you can pull off hooch wear in the office.

(Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Surfs up, Scorpio. That means Black’s Beach is in full swing. Grab your lotions and get yourself some… sun. On your adventures, remember the old proverb: A cock in the hand is worth two in the bush.

(Nov. 22-Dec. 21) Pride weekend is fast approaching and you’re in full party-planning mode. Don’t dive in nose first. Instead, make Pride about spending time with “family” and friends. Well, start out with good intentions, at least.

(Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Friends can be disappointing. If you’ve got a few bad apples, toss ’em. Actively recruit new and interesting people into your circle and watch your social life soar.

(Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Your stock took a huge hit earlier this year. Quit trying so hard to get back on top – we can smell the desperation. Hang back and play it cool. Friends will come to recognize your net worth.

(Feb. 19-March 19): No, you’re not congested. It ain’t allergies either. It’s probably all that shit you’re putting up your nose. It doesn’t take an astrologer to tell you you’re a mess, Pisces.