(March 20-April 18): Avoid being a diva right now. You’re just not at the top of your game. Retreat for a few months and return fresh and ready to reclaim your throne.

(April 19-May 20): The summer season begets shaved, waxed and trimmed bodies. This is like kryptonite to hair lovers everywhere. Buck the trend and go au naturel.

(May 21-June 20): Gay men are bitchy, but it’s nothing personal. Just roll with the punches and give a few back. If someone bares their claws, use that clever wit of yours to put them in check.

(June 21-July 22): A recent fling may flower into something semi-permanent. Sure, you see the red flags, but don’t write him off so easily. You’ve got a few of those red flags yourself.

(July 23-Aug. 22): Feeling a little blue lately? Force yourself to the gym, get your hair done, shave your ass and get yourself out there. It’s summer, so snap out of it, bitch!

(Aug. 23-Sept. 22): F*ck any kind of social life for the month of July. It would do you good to break for the occasional bitch session, perhaps over cocktails, say next Saturday, and then dig in your heels until August.

(Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Pride month is fast approaching and you look like hell, Libra. Consult with a personal trainer about proper nutrition and pepping up your workout routine. Hey, at least I’m honest.

(Oct. 23-Nov. 21): The breakup is inevitable. Call it quits before things get ugly. You heard me: Pack up your shit, call the girls and rejoin the singles party.

(Nov. 22-Dec. 21): This heat has got you hot between the legs. Take your balls out for a swim. A new conquest could lead to more than just another failed attempt at procreation.

(Dec. 22-Jan. 19): It’s plain to see you thrive on being the center of attention. Everyone is tired of it. Pack up your bag of bullshit and shove on. When you can share the spotlight, then you’ll be ready to re-emerge.

(Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Tan lines are in, so resist the urge to strip naked while sunbathing (at home and in public). Another tip: Wear sandals in the locker room at all times. It’s easy to slip on someone’s leftover DNA.