(March 20-April 18): Slow it way down, sister. That fast crowd you’ve been running with may have done wonders for your social life, but underneath you’re coming undone. Pull back and give some old friends a call. They are waiting right where you left them.

(April 19-May 20): It’s time to say goodbye to a friend. Enough is enough. Just as one person leaves your life, another will enter. Learn from past mistakes and nurture this new relationship.

(May 21-June 20): No dick for a month. Wait before jumping into bed with a new potential suitor. Make time for courtship and romance. If he won’t stick around and wait, you’re better off without him.

(June 21-July 22): Pull yourself out of the gutter. You used to be cute, remember? Honey, we all spiral down, but you’ve hit bottom. And by the looks of it, you must have fallen face first. Look to a close friend for help.

(July 23-Aug. 22): All that fabulousness is expensive. After highlights, tanning, swimsuits, wardrobe, etc., you can hardly make your gym membership payments. Pride’s over. Let yourself go for awhile and catch up on bills.

(Aug. 23-Sept. 22): A new love interest is within your grasp. Don’t let politics get in the way. If you’d place as much attention on your personal life as you do on your professional – let’s just say you’d be laid by now.

(Sept. 23-Oct. 22): The slightest itching and burning has you frantic with worry. Well, if you weren’t such a slut… It’s quality over quantity, remember? Limit sex partners and enjoy peace of mind.

(Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Take a retreat to recharge. This does not mean a gay resort in Palm Springs, either (or the Russian River)! Following months of nonstop activity, take some guiltless time to do nothing. Meditate, eat healthy and replenish the mind, body and soul.

(Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Such a quiet little thing, who’d guess you’re such a freak in the bedroom. Channel that aggressive, sexual energy into daily life. Imagine how much you could get done. Just don’t spit on anyone, please.

(Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Some bitch at work has got you pegged. Come out to your co-workers before she blabs the news. If you’re out at work already, tone it down some, eh? Uh, yeah, we get it, you’re gay.

(Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Not feeling valued in this imaged-obsessed community? Feeling excluded because you don’t meet its unrealistic expectations? Well, that’s nice, but I’m afraid I don’t offer advice to unattractive people.

(Feb. 19-March 19): Expect a visit from an old friend. Yep, she’s still a mess, but as fun as ever. Slap on something cute and tear it up like you did in the good old days. Plan on finding your own ride home, though. Yep, she’s still a whore, too!