(March 20-April 18): Sex is too easy for you, Aries. If you’re not blowing boys at the gym or jerking off in alleyways, you’re on the Internet lining up your weekend exploits. Fill this void in your life with something else for a change.

(April 19-May 20): Time to move again. A new living arrangement is exactly what you need to enhance your environment – not to mention distract you from life’s monotony. Word to the wise: You need a new roommate, not playmate.

(May 21-June 20): Size does matter. Unless you cut back on sweets or step up the cardio, you’ll be too large for even the biggest size queen. Start out setting small goals. Make healthy living a lifestyle, not a crash diet.

(June 21-July 22): You’re f*cked up, Cancer. And there’s no one to blame but your family. Sit down with a shrink and work though these issues. Watch personal relationships improve, as well as quality time with your folks.

(July 23-Aug. 22): Bad habits snowball over time. What was once just a bump in the road is now a full-blown rollercoaster. Get off the ride now or end up losing more than your lunch.

(Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Have I told you how much I love you, Virgo? Well, I do. And so does everyone else, in case you haven’t noticed. Now if we could just get that box of yours some love…

(Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Does somebody need a spanking? Don’t let guilt detract you from those darker pleasures. This month, potential play partners are all around you. Do your detective work first, however. You wouldn’t want to end up in Dahmer’s freezer.

(Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Keep your friends close and your enemies closer – like that two-timing bitch ex-boyfriend of yours. Play nice or watch him wreak havoc on your reputation.

(Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Summer’s nearly over. Get to the beach before bathing-suit season ends. You’ve worked hard on your abs all year – show off before it’s back to long sleeves and pullovers (no belly burners, please).

(Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Could one of your closest friends be the one? Check his package. If he’s above average then I’d say there’s a pretty good chance he’s the one. Otherwise, it wasn’t meant to be. What? You know it’s true.

(Jan. 20-Feb. 18): A quick trip up to L.A. for Labor Day weekend is exactly what you need. No excuses – just go! Whore ’round there for a change. We’ve seen enough of your face down here.

(Feb. 19-March 19): If you’re gay, poo happens. Be proactive. Rinse and repeat before hitting the town. But know this: You can never predict the unpredictable. It happens to the best of us, Pisces.