(March 20-April 18): Feeling less than average? Whatever you may be lacking in that “department” your personality makes up for tenfold. Too bad no one cares about that.

(April 19-May 20): Trade in those tanks and trunks for long sleeves and jeans. Don’t play the whore by donning summer-season wear in mid-October. If you must show skin, removing your shirt on the dance floor is still appropriate club etiquette regardless of the season.

(May 21-June 20): An update to your online profile is in order. Faceless pics may be discreet but a mug shot will get your more play. If an LTR is an aspiration, you may want to post more than an ass pic. Just a suggestion.

(June 21-July 22): Single life is taking its toll. All these years and still no boyfriend. Make an appointment to see a therapist – preferably someone attractive and financially secure. Voilà! Boyfriend problem solved.

(July 23-Aug. 22): Halloween is just ’round the corner. Just say no to drag. Sure, it’s a hoot, but little Miss Lee Press Ons always goes home alone.

(Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Frottage: sexual activity without penetration that can include any form of sexual rubbing, whether naked or clothed, for arousal or orgasm. Get rubbing, Virgo. We’re all pulling for ya!

(Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Bling isn’t becoming. Unless you’re Diddy, you can’t pull it off. Adorn yourself with fewer accessories if you want to get noticed for the right reasons.

(Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Need to relax? Get any one of those online hookers to give you a massage. For less than a C note you can get a full-body rubdown with release. Don’t let Catholic guilt get in the way of good service.

(Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Dating someone new? News has already spread to your ex boyfriend. If he comes back only now that you’ve moved on… don’t tell me you’re going to fall for that one.

(Dec. 22-Jan. 19): A little less binge, a little more purge. Once that waistline goes, good luck trying to get it back. Get up on that treadmill now and don’t get down until after the holidays.

(Jan. 20-Feb. 18): A recent spike in expenses has you living on the cheap. Don’t fret, Aquarius. In just a few months a family member will die and your financial problems will be solved.

(Feb. 19-March 19): What’s this? A lull in your sex drive. Girl, take advantage of this rare opportunity. Clean the house, take an art class, read a book. Before you know it, you’ll be back on the horse and you won’t have time for shit.