Not since The Godfather have I been this excited about a mob movie. Therefore I am cracking open a bottle of Coppola, as in Francis Ford’s wine company.

Oh, look! An exposition scroll! Apparently there are rumors about a gay mafia in California with one “family” being based in San Francisco and the other in West Hollywood. A rivalry has exploded between them and only a handful of people know why.

Drama! The movie totally starts out with three guys in an Escalade (a badass car) pulling up to a club called The Estate. And then we cut to two queens arguing over some porn starlet named Fox Ryder. Oh, these are like the fairy godmothers of the gay mafia families. Paul Barresi is the head of the Avalon company and Chi Chi LaRue is dressed up like – well, based on the hair, I can only say this is what it would look like if Alan Cumming and Chi Chi hooked up and had a love child. Wow, that’s some serious hair he’s got going on there!

The queens are arguing over little Miss Ryder, and the guys are all wearing these crazy gay Rufskin outfits. It’s a mess, and Star sends his men off to kidnap Fox Ryder from Avalon Studios. Meanwhile, Avalon is signing Fox to an exclusive contract and Fox is being a little bitch, making all kinds of demands, including who his first co-star is; which is Erik Rhodes, or whatever the hell his name is in this movie.

The sex scene ensues, and it’s hot. Erik Rhodes is big and well-muscled and Fox isn’t. Erik f*cks him, but it gets hotter: That twinky little Fox turns around and f*cks Erik!

Plot point! The sex scene ends and then Roman Heart, Matthew Rush and Derrick Vineyard, all agents of Star Studios, show up with guns, and they shoot and kill Rod Barry! It’s the most awesome thing ever, with a flying bloody body and all. Oh, yeah, and there’s some lame Romeo and Juliet plot going on between Derrick and Omer, the director from Avalon Studios.

Back in West Hollywood, Mr. Star is happy to have Fox back in his camp and promises him an award-winning role to get him to work for his company.

Yeah, moving on. Roman Heart is off auditioning new models Tommy Blade, Trevor Knight and Antonio Madiera. He’s being a cocky bitch to them, calling the shots, and then a four-way ensues. Being the demanding little bottom he is, he makes everyone f*ck him. Hey, it works!

Meanwhile, in a nice little montage of footage, Omer and Derrick are having romantic rendezvous all over West Hollywood and San Francisco. It’s cute, but there isn’t any f*cking so I’m quickly over it.

But then, suddenly, the jig is up and Erik finds out about Derrick and Omer’s little affair and a planned meeting they have at a bathhouse. What the hell kinda romance is this? Oh, that’s right, a porn romance. Anyway, Omer doesn’t make it to the bathhouse and Erik sets it up to make it look like Derrick is cheating on him, taking all kinds of incriminating photos. It’s scandalous, but still no f*cking.

After the photo session, the guys who were taking the pictures and the photographer get into three-way action. It’s crazy good sex starring Cory Bolton, Richie Fine and Talvin Demachio. Then Erik Rhodes walks in and joins the fun. It’s cool, though, because they’re all hot.

Back in L.A., Matthew Rush arranges for a meeting between Fox Ryder and Jason Ridge, who is supposed to be the publisher of some gay porn magazine, yada yada yada. They want to sweep the awards, and they’re willing to pay for them in cash and other “services.” Matthew tells Fox to hit the bedroom and get ready, but it turns out Jason wants something a little bigger and more substantial (cheers to that, bud!), so he totally has Matthew Rush f*ck him.

The movie has a cliffhanger ending worthy of a Friday episode of the hit NBC soap opera “Passions” where you have to wait the whole weekend to find out what happens. One thing I’m pretty sure of, though, is that there’s gonna be more f*cking!

rating:

SHOOT TO THE MOON ****

Directed by Chris Steel

Written by Mama Steel

Starring: Fox Ryder, Falcon lifetime exclusive Matthew Rush, Falcon exclusives Erik Rhodes and Roman Heart. Also starring Jason Ridge, Trevor Knight, Tommy Blade, Antonio Madiera, Cory Bolton, Richie Fine and Talvin Demachio

www.falconstudios.com