(March 20-April 18): Treat yourself to a sensual massage. Yes, a “sensual” massage (wink, wink). That means you’re gonna cum at the end, in case you’re not getting my subtleties. I mean, what’s a massage without the happy ending if not just plain unhappy.

(April 19-May 20): Bite your tongue, Taurus. Cattiness may fly in a gay bar but it never translates in the real world. People just think you’re a bitch. Oh, but wait, you are a bitch. My mistake.

(May 21-June 20): Watch where you wallow, little piggy; this month marks a bad-boy streak. Expect to be disciplined. If dominating is more your style, get ready to dole out the punishment. Roll up the sleeves, spit shine those boots and get ready to play.

(June 21-July 22): Halloween is this weekend. What are you going as? Shit, anything’s better than that face you’ve been wearing all year long. Trust me, you should definitely look into a mask.

(July 23-Aug. 22): This Thanksgiving, be thankful that you’re gay. Instead of heading home, stick around and booze it up with the boyz. Hell, forget about turkey and get yourself some chicken.

(Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Houston, we have contact! You may need to evaluate your current living arrangement, however. It is possible to have too much of a good thing, my dear.

(Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Is it time to take the man home to meet the parents this holiday season? Ha! Like you’re still going to be together by Thanksgiving. You’ve got a few more years left before you’ll be anywhere near ready to settle down.

(Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Find a quiet place to meditate on this year’s events. Instead of celebrating your birthday at the bottom of a bottle, make it a healthy one. Oh, who are we kidding, you’ll be trashed by noon.

(Nov. 22-Dec. 21): The slightest itching and burning has you frantic with worry. Well, if you weren’t such a slut… It’s quality over quantity, remember? Limit sex partners and enjoy peace of mind.

(Dec. 22-Jan. 19): It’s time to kick bad habits. Whether your vice is smoking, drinking, drugs, promiscuous sex or all of the above, November is your best chance for success.

(Feb. 19-March 19): Keep your friends close and your enemies closer – like that two-timing bitch ex-boyfriend of yours. Play nice or watch him wreak havoc on your reputation.