(March 20-April 18): Bad skin and breakouts having been plaguing you lately. Avoid putting anything but moisturizer on your face. Have him shoot it on your chest instead.

(April 19-May 20): Target your glutes when devising a new workout routine. A built upper body’s nice, but a big ass will land you the top you’ve been waiting for.

(May 21-June 20): Re-evaluate friendships and make a few changes for the new year. Most are a drain on your positive energy. You know the good from the bad, so start downsizing.

(June 21-July 22): The right guy for you, Cancer, is like a good martini – a little dirty. OK, so a lot dirty. Belly up to the bar and order yourself a double. Can I get a sip of that?

(July 23-Aug. 22): Satisfying a Leo sexually… good luck! It’s full-time job that requires constant innovation and imagination. The Scorpio is the only sign in the zodiac up for the task. Don’t expect much commitment, though.

(Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Give yourself the two-finger sniff test to make sure everything is A-OK. One not-so-fresh moment could spell disaster for future relationships.

(Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Only a few more years of binge drinking left until you become a full-blown alcoholic. Here’s to a few more years!

(Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Fish around that sock drawer full of phone numbers and set up a few dates. What’s the point of collecting people’s digits if you never use ’em? These dates may not bear fruit, but they’ll be bare nonetheless.

(Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Now that the holidays are over, there are sales galore, girl. Buy yourself something cute and form-fitting. Go right to Bloomingdale’s or Saks. Don’t waste time sorting through riff raff.

(Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Highlights in the winter? Let’s rethink this, shall we? Earth tones and lowlights with nary a base tan. Gay 101, hello!

(Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Pick up a few fagazines for the latest tips on winter fashion and accessories. Ask for receipts and exchange those tired gifts you got from family and friends for something a bit more high fashion.

(Feb. 19-March 19): Cold turkey, my dear. One slip and you’ll be up to your ears in nose candy.