(March 20-April 19): Follow proper cruising protocol, Aries. Looking like a starved animal in desperate need of red meat is never attractive. If glances aren’t returned – he’s not interested!

(April 20-May 20): Drinking pals are all you’ve got. If none are willing to step outside the bar to develop deeper relationships, it’s time to start looking for a few good men.

(May 21-June 20): Sex should be a physical and mental (maybe even spiritual with the right partner) exercise. Flip around once in a while – hell, stand on your head if you have to. If you haven’t burned at least 300 calories then you’re not doing it right.

(June 21-July 22): Buy some flip-flops to wear in the gym locker room. You either have a bad fall coming or a nasty case of athlete’s foot. I’m not even going to tell you what you’ll slip on (eww).

(July 23-Aug. 22): You look like every other gay out there. Check out what some of the straights are wearing these days (a few actually know how to dress themselves). It’ll be a fresh look that’s guaranteed to get attention.

(Aug. 23-Sept. 22): All that smiling is going to give you wrinkles, my dear. I know you’re happy and all, but what about laugh lines? It’s a hard call, but I think you know what’s more important.

(Sept. 23-Oct. 22): You could always hook for a little extra cash. Sure you’ll be compromising your values, but don’t you have a few trips planned? You’re already a whore; you might as well be getting paid.

(Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Snap out of it bitch! Summer is almost here. It’s time to pump up at the gym, shop for board-shorts, pick out the perfect sunglasses – all that shallow shit you used to love. Don’t tell me you’ve suddenly got substance.

(Nov. 22-Dec. 20): Knock-out-drag-out fights with your partner are always followed by intense make-up sex. I say pick a fight and then reap the rewards.

(Dec. 21-Jan. 19): Bitch, you’re in debt. Take on a second job and cut back on luxuries. Yes, a martini is a luxury – so is that daily triple-shot Frap. A few lifestyle changes and you should be back in the black.

(Jan. 20-Feb. 18): As my girls always say, “Give yourself the two-finger sniff test before engaging in any extracurriculars.” Well, maybe one finger. My girlfriends are kinda loose.

(Feb. 19-March 19): Putting out fires at work and in your personal life has been an energy drain. Take some time just for you. No, not a free-for-all weekend in L.A. or S.F, I’m talking about some real downtime.