(March 20-April 18): A head-to-toe makeover is in order. Not to say your current look is tired, but a fresh cut and new wardrobe would do you a world of good. If sex is lacking, get a few new tattoos.

(April 19-May 20): From highlights to Prada, fine dining to top shelf, gay life ain’t cheap, honey. Cut back on excess or find a few men to underwrite your lifestyle.

(May 21-June 20): Not feeling valued in this image-obsessed community? Feeling excluded because you don’t meet its unrealistic expectations? Well, that’s nice, but I’m afraid I don’t offer advice for unattractive people.

(June 21-July 22): Is kitty in heat? One would think so the way you back up into anything that moves. Prowl around all you want, but keep a low profile. No one will want to pet the kitty after it’s been in the alley all night picking through trash.

(July 23-Aug. 22): Expect a visit from an old friend. Yep, she’s still a mess, but as fun as ever. Slap on something cute and tear it up like the good ol’ days. Plan on finding your own ride home, though. Yep, she’s still a whore, too!

(Aug. 23-Sept. 22): A co-worker has been eyeing you for months. Don’t let monotony at work lead you down that path (to the supply closet). Instead, rub one out in the office bathroom and get back to work!

(Sept. 23-Oct. 22): No one likes a messy bottom, Libra. Find an experienced gay to mentor you in the art of ass maintenance. A quick 10-minute prep course should do the trick.

(Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Ever dabble in S&M? A whole new world of exploration awaits you. Finding the right f*ck buddy is key. Be selective, or you’re bound for a bad experience.

(Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Homewrecker! You’ve got a knack for destroying relationships. Remember: Karma’s a bitch. The second you land a man of your own you’ll see what I mean.

(Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Get political. Burn your girlfriends’ bras, smoke pot, throw paint on a drag queen’s fur coat – make a difference! This new interest in current events will aid in cocktail party conversation.

(Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Smooth boys usually catch your fancy, but be on the lookout for a hairy heartthrob. Scrap any limitations and go after eligible men who don’t necessary fit the profile. There’s something to say about tall, dark and handsome.

(Feb. 19-March 19): Have you been described as an insatiable bottom? Are you sure? Don’t deny your true nature. You know what you want, now go get it.