How can one go to an event called Lazy Bear and come back totally exhausted? Where was the rest and relaxation time?

A week of food, play and sun. The bears scoured the tiny four-block town and gorged themselves with berries, honey, beer and men (this is a bear event).

We all do what we need to do to get laid at an event like Lazy Bear. Of course, those that didn’t get laid the first night were drowning away their sorrows in a trough of eggs, bacon, sausage, ham, biscuits and gravy, and coffee the next morning. But who wouldn’t?

A lipoed and electrolysized friend (friend = old trick) showed up from San Fran to visit and to check it out. Since no one gave him a second look, he commented to me, “Some of these guys are one doughnut away from being a house.” OK, it was funny, but now he knows how we feel at his little White (boy) Party. I keep telling those anorexic, Janice Dickinson rejects that bears are not fat; just comfortable with their bodies. Now go have a box of doughnuts and join the rest of us.

Lazy Bear is a bear buffet; something for everyone. Polar bears, grizzlies, cubs, black bears, brown bears, sun bears, panda bears (Asian or Pacific-Islander but not really a bear), koala bears (from Down Under but not really a bear, either), wolves, otters and muscle bears – all at Lazy Bear.

Our favorite balloon bear, Buster, was there and threw a balloon party with his balloon bear buds. Of course there was food and beer (again, this is a bear event). Let’s see: food, beer, bears, bungalows, swimming pool and two hot tubs. Oh yeah, and naked, friendly, horny bears and beer. One bungalow with a sling, one filled to the ceiling with balloons and another with a huge bed, fireplace and mirrors – just in case you need a little romance.

There was nothing romantic about the clothing-optional pool party hosted by Grey Rose Productions star Jake Mitchell at the Woods every day. All those naked bears drinking, floating in the pool, listening to the DJ and sizing up tricks for later. Why else would anyone go to a clothing-optional pool party but to size up tricks for later? Don’t you want to see everything on the buffet before you eat?

Up the hill – or mountain, if you’re from Florida – was the other clothing-optional pool party at the Highlands. That was the quiet party for the more mature bears. No porn stars, no food, no beer, no frolicking and certainly no sizing up tricks for later. I know we’ll all be up there at some point in our lives, but for now I need sizing up with my pool parties.

Speaking of size, the West Sonoma Inn (formerly Brookside Lodge) has joined the Lazy Bear pool party circuit. The DJ for that party was so fine I can’t remember his name ’cause I didn’t care at the time he was telling me. Now that’s fine! Adding to the fineness, the Bare Chest Calendar guys were serving beer all day, so we had a huge pool, beer, Bare Chest Calendar guys and a fine DJ all on a hot summer day at Lazy Bear.

The loudest and rowdiest party had to be at the Triple R, where Lazy Bear began. Rotten Robbie had the boys boppin’ to his music in and out of the pool, and in and out of their rooms. There was also this little twink, hairless, redheaded white boy spinning named Hazmat, who pulled out the hip-hop, soul, R&B, rap – the nasty shit that makes you want to get dirty. Cute little white boy playing nasty music made some talk about wanting to f*ck him, but that might have been the music or beer – or both.

There’s more, lot’s more, but we don’t want to blow our wad in the first sitting. You’ll get the rest of the load next time, so hold on and stay In the pit.All photos courtesy of greyroseproductions.com