Dear Puddles:

I have a hemorrhoid. This ain’t no ordinary hemorrhoid, either. She’s a biggens. I feel like I got baboon ass – you know, all red and swollen. I can’t get f*cked either ’cause it burns like a mo fo. Will it ever go away or is this the price you pay for being a big ol’ bottom?

Sincerely,

IT BURNS!

Dear IT BURNS!:

Flare-ups are a bitch. Men get hemorrhoids regardless if they take it up the ass or not. I am not sure if gay men who bottom have a higher incidence of hemorrhoids, but it would make sense. Getting bludgeoned in the ass each night can’t be good for the ol’ rectum, ya know?

Having no medical background and absolutely no qualifications, here’s my fabulous advice. A girlfriend of mine once told me she always soaks in a super-hot bath to shrink the ass tissue. I’m not sure if it really works, but it can’t hurt. Use Preparation H several times throughout the day, and reapply after each bowel movement to prevent further irritation.

And, for the love of god, lay off the ass play until the flare-up subsides. As the saying goes, “If you keep picking at it, it’ll never heal.”

You can get a prescription for a cream-like medication that helps with the itching and burning, but use it in concert with Preparation H because the H helps to shrink the anal tissue. If your ass is practically dragging behind you as you walk, you may have to have surgery, so check with your doctor.

Dear Puddles,

My boyfriend smokes and I don’t. I normally wouldn’t date a smoker, but since he has so many great qualities, I decided to make an exception. Now that we have been dating a few months, I really wish he would quit. I realize he has a full-fledged addiction so I don’t nag him about it, but I hate that he smokes. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Smokers Suck

Dear Smokers Suck,

I usually respond to questions that are sexual in nature, but as a former smoker, I’ll take this one.

I too have had boyfriends complain about my smoking: “It tastes bad when we kiss” or “I don’t like sitting here by myself while you go outside to smoke.”

Being a smoker in California these days is like being a leper. Light up once and see what I mean. Unless the people around you are extremely drunk or high, smoking is frowned upon and very unbecoming. And these queens aren’t afraid to let you know it, too!

Be that what it may, you did choose to date someone who already smokes. The quickest way to end a relationship is to try to change your partner into someone you want them to be. You knew he was a smoker and you still chose to get involved.

Here is what I advise. Mention to your boyfriend that you don’t like his smoking because you’re concerned for his health. Smokers generally also would like to quit “someday,” and have thought about it many times over. Maybe you provide that extra motivation.

Now here’s the reality. Cigarette addiction is like being addicted to heroin (or so they say). It’s a bitch. If he has a full-fledged addiction, quitting will be a long, laborious process, with several falls off the wagon, not to mention resentment toward you for wanting him to quit. Tread lightly, my dear. When addiction rears its ugly head, you may want to duck and cover.

Have no expectations, just mention your concern and be happy with any progress. In the end, you’ll need to decide if you want to date a smoker long term. If he happens to quit, great, but I wouldn’t count on it.

Send your sick and twisted questions for sex advice columnist Lemon Puddles to lemonpuddles@yahoo.com.