(March 20-April 18): The heavens tell me you’re in for some action on and off the dance floor this Pride. Keep your nose (and hole) clean. Just good advice from an old strung-out fortuneteller.

(April 19-May 20): Hot flashes? No, love, that’s the weather, not your barren uterus talking. Get a dog and shut up about it already. Kids aren’t in your cards.

(May 21-June 20): You want a raise? For what – cruising sex sites all day? Girl, please. Find a career path that’s challenging (and doesn’t allow time for M4M chat), and your income will increase dramatically.

(June 21-July 22): Remember when your ass was as tight as a 10-year-old boy’s? Well, not anymore. Schedule a few sessions with a personal trainer and reacquaint yourself with the squat. Take a long, hot shower (with the curtain slightly ajar) as your reward.

(July 23-Aug. 22): Didn’t your mother teach you to wash your sex toys after you’re done playing? The last thing you need is a bacterial infection right before Pride. Use your dishwasher… who needs spot-free dishes anyway?

(Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Your high level of efficiency is starting to annoy the shit out of your co-workers. Must you be such a Nazi? Unless you’re dressed in leather, do us a favor and lose the whip.

(Sept. 23-Oct. 22): It’s time to re-evaluate a few of your friendships. Most of ’em are trash dressed in designer wear. Strip them of their Louie and who are they really?

(Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Bending the ear of a friend to release a little stress could be disastrous for your reputation. Watch what you say and who you slam. One wrong move and your friend has enough material to ruin you.

(Nov. 22-Dec. 21): The sex trade is a tough biz, Sag. Sure, it’s a resume builder, not to mention glamorous, but is this really who you are? Maybe you always dreamed someday you’d be a whore…

(Dec. 22-Jan. 19): You never wait in line, pay cover or buy your own drinks. You are fabulous. Now, if only you could transfer that star power from the bar scene into the real world.

(Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Spiritual in nature, an Aquarius is constantly searching for answers to life’s bigger questions. If organized religion leaves a bad taste in your mouth, seek other forms of worship. Just try to stay off your knees!

(Feb. 19-March 19): Guess who just logged on to the computer? It’s our good friend Syphilis. Syph loves romantic dinners and long walks on the beach. You two are destined to be together… that is, unless you choose your sex partners with a bit more discretion.