Oh my, you can only imagine what I thought when I opened up my mail to find that the next movie I would be reviewing was called Bi-Back Mountain. Yep, we’re talking bisexual, which is somewhere Duffy hasn’t gone since he was in college.

Knowing I had some girl-on-girl action to review, I decided to get into the mindset by stopping at Rubio’s for the Tres Fish Tacos meal. And nothing goes better with fish tacos than a cool margarita (with a salted rim, of course).

So boys (and girls – because, ladies, there is something here for you too!) grab yourself a cold drink and keep your finger on the fast-forward button because you might want to skip some of this.

Picture it: Iraq and Operation Whatever the Fuck Bush is Calling It This Week is raging on. War is hell, and the desert is damn cold at night. We know this because Dean Campbell and Tommy Blade huddle up in their cute little uniforms, wearing their little blast helmets (hopefully they were retrofitted by Cher for those of you who keep up on current events). Suddenly a bomb goes off nearby and they do what any other God-fearing Marine would do if they thought the end was near: they fuck.

Don’t worry, though, it’s just a teaser. The next day Dean is all, “That was a one-time deal” and some such bullshit (because you know they’re going to get it on in the end). Anyway, Dean is going home and getting married to his girlfriend, Shy Love, and he’s not fucking anymore ass (well, not until the end of the movie probably).

So it’s approximately 18 months later and Dean has a nice little place in the mountains. He hasn’t thought about ass once – until a postcard from Tommy shows up saying that he’s going to be passing through and wants to stop by.

So Tommy shows up and he brings a girl with him! Seriously, and her name is TJ. Dean freaks out and pulls Tommy around the corner of the house and starts making out with him, but he still isn’t going to fuck any ass – say it with me, folks – until the end of the movie! Here’s the thing, though: TJ catches the guys kissing, but she’s done enough of these bisexual movies that she knows exactly what to do… get everyone drunk!

And I say cheers to that!

So everyone is drunk, myself included (because I need to be to explore my hetero side), and TJ starts telling Dean and Shy how hot they are. She actually gets them to have sex in front of her and Tommy! Of course, TJ and Tommy go at it, too, and the best part is… wait for this… TJ is a top! She straps one on and fucks the hell out of Tommy while Dean is fucking Shy. Seriously! And it’s awesome because Dean is ignoring Shy and longingly looking at Tommy taking it up the ass.

The next day, Shy and TJ are sitting on the patio talking about arts and crafts and some such shit when Shy says Dean has never been so good in bed as he was the night before. TJ is like, girl, you have got a lot to learn about sex – and then totally eats her out. And Shy is into it and then eats TJ out and – oh my god, I’m watching girls have sex! The weird part is it’s kinda hot, in that I’m not used to this kind of way. But I would watch this if it helped me bag a straight boy. So the girls lick and finger and use a silver bullet dildo and get each other off.

Meanwhile, Tommy and Dean have a fight and Tommy says, “I am not going to be the other woman!” So they all go out and drink that night at a bar (because, as I have always said, alcohol makes everything better).

At the bar, Shy has turned into a total slut and starts making out with some guys who are playing pool. Before you know it, a full-on bisexual barroom orgy gets going. Seriously, we are talking six hot military men and three girls (including one who is wearing way too much eye shadow). Guys are fucking guys, guys are fucking girls, girls are fucking girls and guys who wouldn’t normally touch another guy are turned on and doing each other because the girls are cheering them on. It’s fucking hot! In the end, all the guys shoot their loads on Tommy and this sends Dean into a jealous rage.

Dean drags Tommy out and they have a little heart-to-heart, and – surprise! They fuck. I don’t mean they just fuck, though, because this is the hot, passionate man sex that they had a taste of once and had to wait 18 months to get again. Let me tell you something: They wanted it bad and it shows.

Bi-Back Mountain is one hell of a little movie, and it’s got a little something for everyone. The girl-on-girl scene might be a little much for some guys (not me, of course), but that’s what the fast-forward button is for. Because, trust me, you are definitely going to want to see the rest of this flick.

Four Rockets and a big old “yee-haw” for Bi-Back Mountain.

rating:

shoot to the moon

****

All Worlds Video

Directed by Doug Jeffries

Starring: Dean Campbell, Tommy Blade, Shy Love, TJ Hart, Keith, Brian Austin, Sledge Sawyer, Brad Star and Kelly Wells